BLM...IMMA NEED A MINUTE
https://www.autostraddle.com/tag/foolish-child/
I remember my very first experience with racism at the hands of my 5th grade teacher,Ruth Hawes (I debated using her name, but I'm done holding it back, also...she dead). I knew racism existed, but it was abstract. The stories my older siblings told of being teased or followed home. Listening to my father's stories from his years in the military, how his fellow soldiers would tell the French that Black People had tails, or his belt buckles or shoes would go missing . My mother's stories about living in Georgia in the Jim Crow era. Her fear of not getting home before dark, and of carrying a small derringer in her glove compartment. So, at 9 years old I had no words to describe what was happening to me. I only knew that this white woman who was supposed to be "teaching" me, seemed to resent me and enjoyed speaking harshly every time I asked a question or needed any assistance. One day, we had a project, each student received a week in which they commandeered the class bulletin board and used it to tell the story of their life and put up a picture themselves. When it was my week, my mother gave me a picture and I wrote all about my life & the places I'd lived, including Alaska, during my father's time in the Military. The next school day,the bulletin board was empty. Mrs. Hawes had removed everything & told me it was because I had lied, that I had "Only been to Alaska in my dreams."Another time we were reading "Charlotte's web out loud. When my time to read came , I barely got two sentences out before she went to the next person. Today, I realize she was disappointed my diction wasn't subpar.That was just the beginning of a year that left me devastated and confused. So, imma need a minute. In Junior high, most of the white female friendships that I cultivated usually ended in racist betrayals. Young white females who I had confided in and opened myself up to, were quick with the N-word at slightest feeling of discomfort or peer pressure. So, imma I need a minute.These first brushes with Racism sowed the seeds of distrust surrounding the intentions of white folks. I,like most Black people, have experienced Racism and micro-aggressions my entire life. In my work life ( comments about hair, assumptions about competency, angry Black woman accusations, being Black-listed and labeled "problematic" for speaking up about Racist behavior) the list is endless, and mostly at the hands of white women. So, imma need a minute.Years of white female betrayals and micro-aggressions have cemented that distrust and skepticism into almost all of my interactions with them.
"Every Black person has wounds around race" - India Arie
These last few months have been difficult. well, let's say even MORE than Black people regularly navigate.
With the murder of George Floyd, young white women & men seem to have awakened from their 400 year slumber and have have started joining BLM protests for justice and defunding the police. For me it's a hurdle and very hard pill to swallow. Especially when it comes to white women's sudden "alliance" with the BLM protesters.
Myself and I'm sure lots of other Black folks are still wondering what was it about George Floyd's murder that "woke" them up. Why not Stephon Clarke? Michael Brown? Alexia Christian? Philando Castile? Mya Hall? Tanisha Anderson? Not even Tamir Rice. Because most white people when uncomfortable or feeling "oppressed", will choose their whiteness over Black Lives. So,excuse me if I really need a minute.
I have already seen cracks in white solidarity. Some white women are talking about "Protest fatigue" and it has literally been a month. Others' true intentions are becoming apparent and that intention is attention. IG "influencers using the protests to gain popularity and followers. Some inserting themselves into protests for "fashion". Taking pictures looking solemn for photo ops in spot where George Floyd was murdered. So, imma need a minute.
You may ask why I am focusing on white women. white men tend to be more transparent about there intentions. Most of the time there is nothing covert in their actions. If they are racist, it is straight up, double down, proud to be, racism. With white women, they claim alliances. They offer feminist solidarity and inclusivity until a Black woman calls out some racist behavior. That's when they make that Black woman a target. They claim they are being bullied, they will try to endanger that woman's livelihood, weaponize their tears or use those tears to shut down meaningful conversation or contact that Black woman privately to chastise her or defend themselves. So, imma need a minute.
At this point I'm taking a tentative, wait and see attitude in respect to the BLM solidarity white people are showing. I'm drawing on years of experience. Because of privilege, white people always have the option of opting out of activism. They have the choice of saying "Black Lives matter to me right now." Real change takes a sustained effort and a rebuilding of all the systems white people have become comfortably accustomed to. If white people are ready and willing, it remains to be seen. Some days I want to say I'm hopeful, but most days I don't have the time or inclination to wonder.
"There are so many roots to the tree of anger
that sometimes the branches shatter
before they bear' - Audre Lorde
P.S. No tear emojis, please...
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